my soul in cookies

balls!

so... coffee shop bustle + a raspberry lemonade + a vanilla scone + work i love + leonard cohen singing hallelujah in the background = intense happy. and... i have a thing for black turtlenecks on guys. so i was pondering telling the large black man in this coffee shop that he looks amazing in his black turtleneck. just as a compliment; not a flirt.

and actually, it's not the turtleneck or the look exclusively. he seems friendly, happy, comfortable in his own skin, and *nice*. and that just makes the turtleneck thing minor, yet extra. and he has an amazing smile. and i typed that to a friend who asked me if i told him yet.  besides the general lack of guts or balls that size, there's the added detail that the man is deep in conversation with two other people. which makes it even more challenging to say something to him. a friend suggested "call me on the phone, take it to him and say, 'it's for you.' i'll tell him that a matter of great importance has come to my attention and I'm required to compliment him on his turtleneck."

through my laughter, i had to admire the sheer awesomeness and originality of that plan. in spite of my hesitation, it made me think about the times people smile me, and how life is fleeting and all to often, we don't know what a difference we make to people, in big ways and in little ways. and here was this very large man, being comfortable and sparkling in his own skin, showing joy and smiles and lighting the room with his presence. and i wondered how crazy it is to let him know he smiled me. and i wondered how crazy it is to NOT let him know he smiled me.

and in a possibly fleeting moment of clarity, i decided that one of the zillion things i need to improve on is not letting my own fears get in the way of letting someone know that they smiled me. and so i typed to my friends that i was going to write a short note to let the man know that he smiled me. and then butterflies filled my tummy at the thought of doing that ~ the telling-people made it more real and more scary. and then one of my favorite songs came on the coffee shop radio ~ a song about making a difference to people, in little ways: http://vimeo.com/15772788

fate or destiny or coincidence... who knows? yet the butterflies multiplied as that song turned my possible plan into an almost-commitment to pay the smiles he brought to me forward. my hand was shaking a bit, so i had to draw on the concept and principle behind my plan ~ my lack of balls is not adequate reason to not let someone know they smiled me. so with my butterflies buttering and my hand feeling shaky, i wrote:

this is a compliment; not a flirt.
so... i have a thing for black turtlenecks on guys.
and so you smiled me.

and then i realized it's not exactly that. it's more that you seem friendly, happy, comfortable in your own skin, and *nice*. your presence lights the room. and that just makes the turtleneck thing minor, yet extra. and that realization smiled me more. thank you for sharing your sparkles.

and it's nervous-making to tell you this. but i don't want to let my fears get in my way of letting someone know that they smiled me.

so... you smiled me. thank you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
no name or contact info. i wanted to keep it clearly a compliment and not a flirt.

i folded the note into a small square and handed it to him as i was leaving and said he should read it later. he looked confused. and i left. the end. for all i know, he dropped the note, unread, into the trash on his way out.

and that doesn't matter. my new mantra ~ my lack of balls is not adequate reason to not let someone know they smiled me. i'm going to live that more.

wings instead of strings...

so... i saw a man sleeping in a field by the freeway as i was on my way to the grocery store. and he looked tattered and it was a chilly day and his clothing didn't look very warm. and it always crosses my mind that everyone is someone's child, and that some people are also someone's parent, sister, brother, friend... 


and now... life seems more vivid, real, intense, connected. and i believe strongly in personal responsibility, yet i cannot assume to know anyone else's stories and journeys. and in these  vivid menopause moments, it's being easier for me to assume the best and give the benefit of the doubt. and in this season of my life, i've lost patience, in a good way. i'm finding myself less willing to argue about responsibility or wait for what "should" be.


so there's this guy... sleeping in a field. and i don't know who he is. but he's somebody in his own right. and he's somebody to somebody. and "somebody" should do something about this.  and i am somebody. at least as much as the next person.


so i added a few things to the grocery list. and the situation made me realize the lack of cards for this type of situation... no cards seem to say "i don't know who you are. i don't know your journey. but i know that you are important. and i wish you silver linings and rainbows tucked into your clouds. and i wish you paths to make your dreams come true."  so i also bought some blank cards and wrote that message myself this time, with other blank cards ready for future situations that might come up.


and after leaving the store i discovered that the freeway field had a fence that i'd need to climb over or walk around. and it was cold but the sun was out, and i could use the exercise anyway. so....around the fence and over the hill i dropped off a bag beside his blanket as he slept ~ a roasted chicken, tangerines, bottled water, with forks, paper plates, a cloth napkin, flowers, and a card.


i hope he's not vegan. but at least there are tangerines, right?


and this losing patience menopause thing...? things will never be as they "should" be, and somehow in a strange way, that might be an aspect of the universe unfolding as it should. 


and it feels empowering to feel urgency not to wait for what "should" be. as a someone, i'm going to make things be as they should be, as i can. carrying community in my heart. being my own non profit without grants. and also without strings.


wings instead of strings.

no patience! can't wait!

so... the kids who live with me probably think i'm crazy. i keep feeling so happy and wanting to share it with them... so i tell them... "you know... i'm in menopause, right? and it is *so* amazing!  and it's being awesome. and i know there will also be some bumps, but the awesome is sooo, well.... awesome." and i try to explain the new clarity and vivid-ness. they look at me funny, but that's nothing new.

and i have no patience. i can't wait!  but in a good way. in past situations where something was unfair, unkind, wrong, painful... my mind (and often my words and efforts) went to how someone should DO something about the situation. a company, a business owner, a non-profit, the teachers, the schools, the legislators, the government, or....? *someone* should act and fix things, dammit!

yet something has shifted in me... i feel an urgency about the lack of time. and that sounds ironic, doesn't it?  and it's not an urgency about mortality. it's a time and priority urgency ~ i have no patience, and no time to argue about who "should" do x,y, or z. i can't make anyone do what i wish they would do and my time feels too important to bother. i can't sweat the small stuff, and it feels like my perspective has shifted in a *tangible* way to sort more aspects of life into the "small stuff" category ~ not worth sweating over. and that makes no logical sense, and yet a tangible shift or awakening of a new sense feels real and true. and i don't have time to decide if it is, and it's not relevant whether i have a new sense or not anyway.

 

if something needs to be done, it feels like a just-do-it moment. and the only person i can truly influence is that girl in the mirror ~ me.

i will still be involved in community-ness of my choosing, and i will still write letters, vote for or against legislation, use my feet to "vote" about which companies and stores i will patronize, and i will still donate time and/or money to organizations that do things i believe in. yet for the times that *someone* should do something, for the moment, i have no patience to look outside and argue anymore. here and now, i have me. and nothing i do can ever make enough of a difference, yet everything i do and every choice i make matters in some way. so when *someone* needs to do something, here i am.

and even that feels different. in the past, it would be sooo hard for me not to project that new feeling as an expectation that other people should also decide that "someone" is them. each of us.

now, it just feels like i found a doorway to a path that was *always* there; a doorway that opens to a world view where everything is beautiful, and everything *does* matter, and yet almost everything is small.

and it's freeing to feel and see things that way. and it's empowering to decide that the *someone* to fix things can mostly be me. and it's happy to also feel that i don't "need" anyone else to be in this place with me.

and there's a background awareness that i'm likely to wander on and off this path myself, through the tides of my life.  and that awareness brings understanding that it's likely to be similar for other people too ~ they'll find that doorway and path or not, and even after they find it, they'll wander on and off the path through tides of their lives. i can wish they can see this and feel this here and now *with* me, without "needing" them to do so. for now, i'm loving the path  from this doorway. and i'm ok here, even if i'm alone. it is enough. i am enough.  peace is.

the simplest questions aren't

Seasons of our lives...

so... i love helping people to write resumés. so today, on a whim, i made an offer to the teenagers in my life...

"to the teenagers in my life... if you need a resumé, i'm happy to help. for free. resumé-writing is a passion of mine. i *love* figuring out who you are, what you love, how that shows up in your life, how those things translate to marketable-for-money skills, and how to share that with potential employers. past job experience or not, we can resumé you outside the box. (if you want inside the box, i'm not your girl)."  and i shared some questions that might spark ideas for their resumés.

and then i realized that in this season of life, i'm asking myself similar questions ~ not in relation to just work, but in the context of life, which also includes work. and i'm noticing that some of my answers are different for me now than in the past. and although i expect my self and my life to shift and change and grow, i hadn't noticed *how* different some of my answers are  now. one little shift, here and there, now and then may not seem like much. yet a few years of pondering a LOT, but not necessarily about *those* questions has me feeling a little surprised at how much some of my answers have changed.

so on paper or in my head, i think i'll ponder with the people who take me up on my offer... on my own, going through the steps i'm suggesting for them. the answers matter to me, and not just for resumés. i'm curious to find out where my choices and journey so far have taken me. and curious to see how my current answers will shape my plans, paths, and flight into this new season of my life.

and life is busy, and people need us, and there's never enough time. and that's not reason enough for me to not ask myself those questions again, in this new season of life. to see how my answers have changed. to glimpse and shape the new me that is blooming.

choosing paths, journeys, flights?

so i'm sharing the resumé preparation questions below, in case they might enable anyone here to see your self and/or the new blooms of the women you love as they reconsider life paths and fly into this season of their lives.

NOT exclusively in the context of work, but in the context of LIFE, which might include work:

• identify and list things you love to do and WHY. go deep.

i.e. if you love computer programming, that's not deep enough for what i'm looking for. WHY do you love it? is it truly about enjoying anything to do with a computer? is it about the challenge of solving a puzzle? is it about loving the opportunity to blend math and computer knowledge? is it about the problem solving to hear what someone wants their computer to do, and the challenge and fun of making that happen? is it an area that validates your wish or need to feel smart?

  

if you love fishing, WHY? is it about the chance to be outdoors? is it the challenge? is it a sense of pride that you have the patience and skills to make the catch? is it that you LOVE fresh fish? is it about the opportunity to blend your knowledge of fish, water, the outdoors, ecology, and mountain man/woman traits? is it about the satisfaction of being able to be somewhat self-sufficient? is it about the head-space and mind-space that you go to when you're outdoors fishing? is it about solitude? or about comaraderie with fishing friends? WHAT is it?

  

in the context of work/volunteering:

• identify jobs and volunteering that you loved. and do the why.
• identify jobs and volunteering that you disliked. identify why.  

NOT exclusively in the context of work, but in the context of LIFE, which might include work:

• identify things about yourself that you really like (things you do AND personal qualities)
• identify things you've done that you are proud of

do not even TRY to second-guess yourself for any of the questions, or figure that anything isn't applicable or "good enough". EVERYTHING you like and EVERYTHING you are proud of IS applicable! you are not allowed to rule out ANYthing that comes to mind.

  

as an extreme ridiculous example, i love to poop. that would be on my list, no matter the fact that i have no intention of pooping for a job. (as if there's a job for that anyway.) i value reasonableness and am proud that i try to live it. i don't get to argue myself out of listing it because i might not be reasonable often or consistently "enough". it's stream of consciousness... whatever comes to mind, with no advance deletions allowed.

then... if you were to die tomorrow, and if there was a celebration of your life, what would you hope your friends would say about you?  what would you hope your immediate family would say about you? what would you hope your relatives would say about you? and if you have had any, what would you hope your co-workers and volunteer peers would say about you?

it wouldn't hurt to also google some lists of core values and identify 5-10 core values that resonate most for you.

and if you've gone that far... who IS this person? how is she the same as you in the past? how is she different? what will she dream, and how will you help her dreams to come true? how will you get to know her better, and hug-embrace-welcome-honor her into this new season of your life...?


The simplest questions are the most profound. Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What are you doing? Think about these once in a while and watch your answers change. ~ richard bach

who AM i?!

so... i'm feeling a strong desire to calendar-ize all my clients' birthdays so i can happy-birthday them. *me*. me who forgets everyone's birthdays and doesn't much care about that. who *is* this alien person in my body?! 

this is going to be quite the adventure!

insomnia

i could do without the insomnia though. silver lining: i have three hours of tomorrow's work done as of this moment. head start, woot!

sometimes it's all about perspective...?

boobs?!

and who knew that boobs grew again?! 

(just a little, but i thought i was done, and this happens *after* i found fine-ness about being small, and liking things that way? strange and ironic life-ness.)

hot flashes and ponders!

and i LOVE being warm! hot flashes rock ~ instant sauna awesome sensations without having to go anywhere and pay for a sauna!

and i love that ponders are going to new places and deeper peace. mostly.

(but i expect that to be an up and down and sideways and diagonal thing. and circles! don't forget circles!)

what i *wish* wikipedia and other sources said about menopause:

contrary to popular belief, for many women, menopause is a time where, their libido isn't affected negatively and may actually increase. 

overall, there's often a deeper sense of self. they are more likely to have or to make the luxury of more time to themselves, since kids are often out of the house, or being more self sufficient. there's a natural flow to turn inward and think about life, reassess who they are, and set new life and personal goals. with the benefit of time behind them, they have a broader perspective about previous goals and this season of life often brings an internal desire to reassess whether those goals fed their souls, or provided necessary food and shelter for their families, or both. at this point in their lives, when they are "needed" less in many ways, they often reconsider whether the paths they cleared are paths they still want to travel, or if it may be time to clear new paths in different directions.

whether some paths were previously not chosen due to other paths being necessary, lack of time, or lack of awareness that other options existed, and/or lack of confidence to travel paths that strayed from the norm, this season of life often brings a renewed sense of self and confidence and *self* permission to choose paths that indulge more of their curiosity, self acceptance, daring, exploration, fun, and adventure. they have the benefit of time and a history of life experiences behind them; with age there may be fewer external pressures to impress, conform, and put others first, and those factors may create more comfort and willingness to choose paths less travelled in many aspects of life, including their bedrooms and sexuality.

this may be a time where women can think about what they know about themselves, the people they love, and life in general, and what they *don't* know. they're well past the years where sex and fellatio was new and terrifying (how *do* you do that?! what's the "right" way? should i swallow? will it taste nasty? why would anyone *want* to do this? i must look ridiculous?! is there a trick to this? will he think i'm a slut if i do this? will he think i'm a prude if i don't?).

they may have been pregnant, and had doctors poking and peeking into places they never wanted poked or peeked. and perhaps they had babies with poop, pee, barf, and projectile vomiting. and more poking and peeking and sleepless nites than they can count. they may have experienced sheer panic when a child went missing for a moment (playing or not); they may have had their heart stop when their child got hurt ~ physically or emotionally; they may have grown a willingness to die for a life that isn't their own, and sometimes those experiences gift them with a life and freedom beyond what they thought possible. they probably experienced illness and death of loved ones, and the shadows those losses leave in your soul, even while the night skies birthed some new star-souls. 

gradually, parenting and life and death experiences may have brought a perspective that the things that terrified them in the past are minor details in the now. with that shift, aspects of sex and life that previously may have felt terrifying and vulnerable might now seem like no-big-deal. 

they might feel a sense of freedom at having lived a life, "well" or not, and seeing that some bad things happened (by them and to them) and the world didn't end. there's experience to back up the cliché that things really CAN get better. and there's often less fear about what might happen if something goes wrong. they've been wrong before, as we all have; probably a lot. and the world didn't stop spinning and life, including joy, still happened before, during, and after the bad times and the wrong times.

sexually, they might masturbate for the first time ever and realize that sex with themselves is not the taboo it had been made out to be and they might want to get to know that lover. they might choose different sexual paths with others, whether it's bisexuality or sex that isn't missionary. they might decide to receive or give oral sex or swallow if they hadn't before. there may be a sense of truth and belief that there are so many things more terrifying than a penis; and so many questions more vulnerable than whether or not they swallow; and so many more important things than concern about whether someone will consider them to be a slut or a prude or a combination, or neither, or something else entirely. 

and with those years and experiences and more time in this season of life to ponder and re-assess things, confidence, esteem, self, and centered-ness grow. and freedom takes wings and flies them.  

and oh yea.... for some women, the journey may include some physical changes and discomforts, but drug stores sell lubricants, and hot tubs do wonders for backaches and while some women find it harder to have an orgasm, there's more time to practice and possibly less awkwardness and shame at this stage of life; and meanwhile, other women may find this time in life to be the first time they have an orgasm, or multiple orgasms. who knew?!

and sometimes, what we think we should expect is what we expect and experience. so be careful what we let ourselves expect. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

me...? i'm expecting my wings to grow even bigger.

what we expect ~ does that become real?

responding to input and a wikipedia link about libido crashes, lack of vaginal lubrication, increase in the frequency of painful intercourse and problems achieving orgasm...

... clearly much practice is needed, right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

in our culture, i suspect that as real as those things *are* for some people, i wouldn't be surprised if part of the issue is focusing on those things as our expectations, and then they become our reality. not to suggest that those things can't or don't happen to some people some of the time, yet it's sad to me that we seem to *expect* some things in life to suck. to a large extent, with our thoughts, we make our world.

not that life or menopause is all about sex, but looking at that aspect a little... isn't there also the cliché that some women become MORE interested in sex as they age? thus, the older women/younger guy situations that comes up here and there. as true as the negative aspects can be for some people, wouldn't it be cool if our reference materials listed those things more as a sometimes thing WITH positive aspects as the focus?

a good part ~ free birth control!

and whoa! for anyone hesitant about menopause... a friend just shared this awesome-ness: "and just think, if you didn't have it covered already, you'll get free birth control at no added charge!" 

so... rocking menopause even more now. cause that's how i fly! 

(still... backup contraception might be a good plan!)

chicken and egg?

and maybe it's a chicken/egg thing...? 

time and life can enable us to grow more comfort in our skin and that will change our menopause (and all other) life experiences for the better.  and a lack of comfort in our skins, and cliché negative expectations about how much menopause will suck might influence what our hormones do. 

i say this with no biological facts to back me up whatsoever. just optimism. but sometimes i think optimism trumps tangible hormones. hands down; wings up and open. ;)

Why I started this blog...

so... i'm in menopause! or i'm having menopause! or i'm going through menopause! whatever way is more correct to say it, i've heard so much about it, and know so little about it. so in trying to be proactive about what to expect, i skimmed some books and websites and mostly find information about physiology, hormone replacement therapy pros and cons, body changes, mood swings, craziness, sex changes, and other topics that almost always focus on the negative. if the information is not outright negative, then it's about how i can minimize the negative things that will inevitably happen to me now.

i don't think menopause knows who it's dealing with here. i so rarely come from a perspective of how to minimize the negative. so i dug *more* for good things.  with the exception of a few good nuggets, most of the positive information i found online was about the end of some negative aspects of having periods, i.e. menopause means no more periods, a new excuse for being bitchy, a time when i can wear white pants with no worries, a time when i'll save money from not needing to buy period supplies anymore, the end of monthly cramps, and a time when people can't say i'm crying and yelling because i'm on the rag anymore. and i found myself thinking... these aspects are the *good* parts...? that's it!? really...? 

and all of that is contrary to how i'm actually feeling. i'm feeling warmer, happier, more alive, more calm yet more intense, more centered, and more vivid. i feel like a different doorway to my self has opened and it's inviting me to walk through it to discover new things, as well as old things i always knew and let myself forget.

so... i googled more to see if i'd just missed the sites with good info. and i did find an article here or there, or input to menopause questions with a sentence or three that echoed the few good nuggets i'd found in my initial search ~ i might become less tolerant but in a good way; i might become more sensitive to things that matter; i might have more time for me and become more self assured; i might find inner strength.

and those are the things i was hoping to find; those are the intense, vivid, and empowering things i am beginning to feel. those feelings are soo much bigger than any of the negative aspects that may happen to me yet. and i was happy to find a few friends who shared similar good experiences. so i don't believe i'm alone in this reawakening. yet maybe people are too busy living their awakenings to take the time to share the journey? or maybe i haven't found their writings yet.

so... perhaps i'll share my journey for as long as i feel like doing so, with a huge focus on the positive. and maybe a blog is a way to do that, with invitations for others to share their positive menopause thoughts, feelings, and journeys as they wish. and maybe it becomes a collective journal so that other women might discover some amazing aspects of menopause to look forward to. and maybe that helps to offset the rivers of negative information they'll encounter. 

i'm going to rock menopause! cause that's how i fly. with our thoughts, we might make our world. with our friends, we might shape our flight.