balls!

so... coffee shop bustle + a raspberry lemonade + a vanilla scone + work i love + leonard cohen singing hallelujah in the background = intense happy. and... i have a thing for black turtlenecks on guys. so i was pondering telling the large black man in this coffee shop that he looks amazing in his black turtleneck. just as a compliment; not a flirt.

and actually, it's not the turtleneck or the look exclusively. he seems friendly, happy, comfortable in his own skin, and *nice*. and that just makes the turtleneck thing minor, yet extra. and he has an amazing smile. and i typed that to a friend who asked me if i told him yet.  besides the general lack of guts or balls that size, there's the added detail that the man is deep in conversation with two other people. which makes it even more challenging to say something to him. a friend suggested "call me on the phone, take it to him and say, 'it's for you.' i'll tell him that a matter of great importance has come to my attention and I'm required to compliment him on his turtleneck."

through my laughter, i had to admire the sheer awesomeness and originality of that plan. in spite of my hesitation, it made me think about the times people smile me, and how life is fleeting and all to often, we don't know what a difference we make to people, in big ways and in little ways. and here was this very large man, being comfortable and sparkling in his own skin, showing joy and smiles and lighting the room with his presence. and i wondered how crazy it is to let him know he smiled me. and i wondered how crazy it is to NOT let him know he smiled me.

and in a possibly fleeting moment of clarity, i decided that one of the zillion things i need to improve on is not letting my own fears get in the way of letting someone know that they smiled me. and so i typed to my friends that i was going to write a short note to let the man know that he smiled me. and then butterflies filled my tummy at the thought of doing that ~ the telling-people made it more real and more scary. and then one of my favorite songs came on the coffee shop radio ~ a song about making a difference to people, in little ways: http://vimeo.com/15772788

fate or destiny or coincidence... who knows? yet the butterflies multiplied as that song turned my possible plan into an almost-commitment to pay the smiles he brought to me forward. my hand was shaking a bit, so i had to draw on the concept and principle behind my plan ~ my lack of balls is not adequate reason to not let someone know they smiled me. so with my butterflies buttering and my hand feeling shaky, i wrote:

this is a compliment; not a flirt.
so... i have a thing for black turtlenecks on guys.
and so you smiled me.

and then i realized it's not exactly that. it's more that you seem friendly, happy, comfortable in your own skin, and *nice*. your presence lights the room. and that just makes the turtleneck thing minor, yet extra. and that realization smiled me more. thank you for sharing your sparkles.

and it's nervous-making to tell you this. but i don't want to let my fears get in my way of letting someone know that they smiled me.

so... you smiled me. thank you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
no name or contact info. i wanted to keep it clearly a compliment and not a flirt.

i folded the note into a small square and handed it to him as i was leaving and said he should read it later. he looked confused. and i left. the end. for all i know, he dropped the note, unread, into the trash on his way out.

and that doesn't matter. my new mantra ~ my lack of balls is not adequate reason to not let someone know they smiled me. i'm going to live that more.