wings instead of strings...

so... i saw a man sleeping in a field by the freeway as i was on my way to the grocery store. and he looked tattered and it was a chilly day and his clothing didn't look very warm. and it always crosses my mind that everyone is someone's child, and that some people are also someone's parent, sister, brother, friend... 


and now... life seems more vivid, real, intense, connected. and i believe strongly in personal responsibility, yet i cannot assume to know anyone else's stories and journeys. and in these  vivid menopause moments, it's being easier for me to assume the best and give the benefit of the doubt. and in this season of my life, i've lost patience, in a good way. i'm finding myself less willing to argue about responsibility or wait for what "should" be.


so there's this guy... sleeping in a field. and i don't know who he is. but he's somebody in his own right. and he's somebody to somebody. and "somebody" should do something about this.  and i am somebody. at least as much as the next person.


so i added a few things to the grocery list. and the situation made me realize the lack of cards for this type of situation... no cards seem to say "i don't know who you are. i don't know your journey. but i know that you are important. and i wish you silver linings and rainbows tucked into your clouds. and i wish you paths to make your dreams come true."  so i also bought some blank cards and wrote that message myself this time, with other blank cards ready for future situations that might come up.


and after leaving the store i discovered that the freeway field had a fence that i'd need to climb over or walk around. and it was cold but the sun was out, and i could use the exercise anyway. so....around the fence and over the hill i dropped off a bag beside his blanket as he slept ~ a roasted chicken, tangerines, bottled water, with forks, paper plates, a cloth napkin, flowers, and a card.


i hope he's not vegan. but at least there are tangerines, right?


and this losing patience menopause thing...? things will never be as they "should" be, and somehow in a strange way, that might be an aspect of the universe unfolding as it should. 


and it feels empowering to feel urgency not to wait for what "should" be. as a someone, i'm going to make things be as they should be, as i can. carrying community in my heart. being my own non profit without grants. and also without strings.


wings instead of strings.

no patience! can't wait!

so... the kids who live with me probably think i'm crazy. i keep feeling so happy and wanting to share it with them... so i tell them... "you know... i'm in menopause, right? and it is *so* amazing!  and it's being awesome. and i know there will also be some bumps, but the awesome is sooo, well.... awesome." and i try to explain the new clarity and vivid-ness. they look at me funny, but that's nothing new.

and i have no patience. i can't wait!  but in a good way. in past situations where something was unfair, unkind, wrong, painful... my mind (and often my words and efforts) went to how someone should DO something about the situation. a company, a business owner, a non-profit, the teachers, the schools, the legislators, the government, or....? *someone* should act and fix things, dammit!

yet something has shifted in me... i feel an urgency about the lack of time. and that sounds ironic, doesn't it?  and it's not an urgency about mortality. it's a time and priority urgency ~ i have no patience, and no time to argue about who "should" do x,y, or z. i can't make anyone do what i wish they would do and my time feels too important to bother. i can't sweat the small stuff, and it feels like my perspective has shifted in a *tangible* way to sort more aspects of life into the "small stuff" category ~ not worth sweating over. and that makes no logical sense, and yet a tangible shift or awakening of a new sense feels real and true. and i don't have time to decide if it is, and it's not relevant whether i have a new sense or not anyway.

 

if something needs to be done, it feels like a just-do-it moment. and the only person i can truly influence is that girl in the mirror ~ me.

i will still be involved in community-ness of my choosing, and i will still write letters, vote for or against legislation, use my feet to "vote" about which companies and stores i will patronize, and i will still donate time and/or money to organizations that do things i believe in. yet for the times that *someone* should do something, for the moment, i have no patience to look outside and argue anymore. here and now, i have me. and nothing i do can ever make enough of a difference, yet everything i do and every choice i make matters in some way. so when *someone* needs to do something, here i am.

and even that feels different. in the past, it would be sooo hard for me not to project that new feeling as an expectation that other people should also decide that "someone" is them. each of us.

now, it just feels like i found a doorway to a path that was *always* there; a doorway that opens to a world view where everything is beautiful, and everything *does* matter, and yet almost everything is small.

and it's freeing to feel and see things that way. and it's empowering to decide that the *someone* to fix things can mostly be me. and it's happy to also feel that i don't "need" anyone else to be in this place with me.

and there's a background awareness that i'm likely to wander on and off this path myself, through the tides of my life.  and that awareness brings understanding that it's likely to be similar for other people too ~ they'll find that doorway and path or not, and even after they find it, they'll wander on and off the path through tides of their lives. i can wish they can see this and feel this here and now *with* me, without "needing" them to do so. for now, i'm loving the path  from this doorway. and i'm ok here, even if i'm alone. it is enough. i am enough.  peace is.