so... i'm not feeling very new-year's-ish. a lady who is like a grandmother to our kids, and a dear friend to me is going to have a mastectomy this week ~ choosing that option directly, instead of trying chemo and/or radiation first. i visited her last week to exchange holiday gifts and i was struck by her calm pragmatism. she wanted to know what to expect and the nurse's office told her to expect pain, but it wouldn't be excruciating; that she wouldn't be able to lift her right arm or use it well for a while; as a result, it's going to be hard to wear clothing that goes over your head, so button-down tops, night gowns, or dresses will be easiest; that there will probably be a drainage tube, so loose clothing is best.
and so my friend is planning and doing things in advance ~ writing checks to pay bills, finding clothes that might work for those parameters, figuring out how to have food if she's not going to have use of one arm and might not be up for cooking. and it's not as if she is not struck and scared about breast cancer and what might happen next. that part is there too, and there are tears ready to spill ~ i can see them in the corners of her eyes ~ tears pooling, yet not falling ~ she's on the edge, and pushing herself with calm purpose to focus on the pragmatic aspects and what she can DO. balancing on the edge of fear and action steps. and so i tried to honor her fear and her pooling tears with hugs, while also honoring her pragmatism with planning what i might do to help.
and so... we had five teens here for new year's, and i was cooking for them last night, wishing i also had the honor of also cooking for all our veterans. and making shrimp thermidore... thinking that making a double batch is almost the same as making a single batch, so making two baked shrimp casseroles, so i can freeze one for my friend. meanwhile... making chili and quadruple-batching that, so we'll have some for us, and some to share with my friend. and making a huge pan of baked eggnog-almond french toast for the teens this morning, and doubling that as well. and while the french toast is baking, learning that one of the teens doesn't like french toast, and one is vegan, so... asking my vegan daughter to make something else for them. and then realizing that the huge pile of broiled veggies i'm about to add to the chili would also work for making open face enchiladas for the two non-french toast teens, so making open face enchiladas and seeing that could also be casserole-ized so i'd have one for my friend. one thing leads to another and another and another and there is a flow for making food for new year's, for breakfast, for lunch, in ways that also makes a selection to bring to my friend. and the flow is striking.
and realizing that for me, this new year's isn't about resolutions as i've sometimes (yet very rarely) done; nor is it about looking forward to a new year, where things will hopefully be easier and better. for me, this new year is about recognizing that mostly, things will remain the same ~ the song remains the same? many aspects of life are still going to suck ~ we're still going to have wars that confuse me and sadden me; i'm still going to worry about our veterans and what we really "should" be doing, and i'm still going to feel sad and helpless because i can witness veteran story after story and still never know what the right choices are, and even if i could know that, no one is magically going to implement whatever i believe is "best".
this year, people and animals that i love will still get sick or die and sometimes i will have expected it and sometimes it will surprise me. sometimes illness and death will come far too soon, for reasons that don't have to be; and sometimes it will happen at a time when it seems like a full long life has been lived, and yet, it will still feel unfair to not have a forever. and this year some people will take their own lives and the people who are left will need to figure out how to process that and how to heal from that situation and memory in their minds and their hearts. and since i am getting older, and since my pool of friends seems to grow bigger each year, illness and death will happen *more* often; not less. and this year, i'll have reasons to remember and re-live the pain of all of those experiences as new sad paths, new tears, new grieving also happens in this new year.
and this year, some friends and acquaintances will still have fights, pain, sadness, and fears; as always, some interactions will lead to people divorcing and some mutual friends may choose sides. and divorces or not, there will still be times where people identify or discover incompatibilities or different interests, goals, or dreams. this year, as always, differences will lead some people i care about to part ways from each other, and i will hurt for them, with them, from the sidelines. and this year, there might also be differences that lead me to part ways with some friends and loved ones, instead of continuing together through life, side by side, or hand in hand. and while parting is sometimes the right thing to do, it will still hurt.
this year, some friends and loved ones, including my kids sometimes, will choose paths that make no sense to me ~ people might choose "q", when i can *so* clearly see that "j" is the better path ~ for me. and i'll need to do the internal work and possible mourning to adjust my own thoughts and feelings about that so their ("wrong"-to-me) choices don't become pain that i create for myself. this year some adults and some kids will show me how cruel people can be, and i will see again why some people should never have become parents and why some kids really need better parents, and why we need more mental and psychological and other resources and help and supports. and those times in life will sometimes still disillusion me to my core and crush my soul.
this year, we'll still have shooters and copy-cat shooters, and we'll still have parents, teachers, other people, schools, and other organizations that are mean, unkind, and/or ineffective in ways that matter to me. this year, politics will still frustrate and sadden me and i will still wonder and sometimes cry about the mess we seem to be making for our kids and their kids. this year, dictators and leaders, elsewhere and in our own country will still infringe on human and civil and legal rights, and i'll still send wishes and letters and i'll still phone and email my legislators, and mostly, i'll still feel helpless because none of that is ever enough. and yet, it still matters to do it.
and this year, the hopelessness of any or all of those things that i cannot change will sometimes disillusion me to the point of being emotionally drained in a pit of my own personal hell. and this year and always, there will be times that i need to sit in that place for a while to gain strength, so i can eventually swim to the other side.
~~~~~
and as i'm seeing my friend on the edge of tears and pragmatism, witnessing her feeling fear and loss while also witnessing her sense of what she might gain ~ more years of life? and seeing her husband's love of her shine so brightly. and more than the deep love, their best-friends-ness is so big that it felt like an actual tangible presence in the room. some things are more real than what we can see, hear, touch. their deep friendship is *that* kind of real. and seeing her balancing on the edge of fear and hope at the same time... i'm feeling like maybe *that* is the pearl in the middle of the fucked-uppery ~ perspective about losses and gains, and finding pragmatism, grace, and flow through the times where fear and hope might both exist.
perspective-wise... in this year, wars and death will still happen, yet some wars may also end, and either way, some families will be reunited with joyous homecomings ~ still with recovery and healing to do, yet with loved ones to hug and hold hands along the way. this year, some politicians might sometimes put themselves on the line by doing the right thing about laws and land wars and wars against drugs, terrorism, violence... and this year, some veterans will also share what good is happening, and it doesn't change the bad, yet the good very definitely also matters.
this year, some baby people and baby animals will also be born. that doesn't stop the illnesses and deaths, yet births must also count, and if i was tallying numbers of both, compared with my growing circle of friends and loves, i suspect that sad death-numbers would reflective a lower percentage than it feels. or so i hope. and either way, the births also matter. and this year, some people and animals will heal and recover from illness or near-death. and this year, new homes for children and animals may be found as needed, and new hearts will smile as new lives begin ~ with healing work to do, yet an ending to pain and horrific abuse. especially as i'm aging and the pool of people i know grows larger, it can feel like only the bad grows. and getting older with friends who also get older, the illness and deaths will increase. so remembering the births, the recoveries, the healings, the new homes, the new beginnings is necessary for me to retain perspective and avoid becoming stuck in feeling bitter, disillusioned, or hopeless.
this year, even if people part ways, i'll have the bittersweet opportunity to live up to my values that i want my loves to be happy, whether or not their paths to joy are paths we can walk together anymore. platonic and romantic, i love all my loves more than i want them, and i honor that by supporting their paths to joy, wherever those paths might lead them. and this year, some people will mend fights and differences, and some people will marry or handfast or find new and multiple best friends. in so many ways and directions, new people will choose paths of walking alongside me or others, side by side, or hand in hand ~ hearts smiling at each other and hugging. this year, some people will find new people and supports to help them work through pain and fears and grief. this year, there will be some new and different lights at the end of so many metaphorical tunnels.
this year, i also have more awareness of how first-world most of my problems are. not to minimize my first-world reality, but as perspective that inspires gratitude within the muck. when basic food and shelter aren't available, there isn't time or bandwidth for communication and relationship styles and love languages and other people's fights and divorces and choices to be sometimes painfully relevant. the fact that those things are relevant to me is a reflection of the luxury of time and life richness ~ i have adequate bare basic resources, so i can look beyond my own basic needs, to spill over into ponderings and action steps about details of my own life and of the lives of growing circles of friends ~ true wealth of time and friendships.
this year, there will still be murders and abuse, and politics that make me worry about our lives, our planet, our rights, and our kids' futures. and this year, i'll still see people, including kids and parents, being cruel to other people and animals. and yet this year, i have a deeper sense of what might work to plant seeds, model, educate, advocate, and share differently. this year, i'll still have hopeless and disillusioned feelings, and my soul will sometimes be crushed to its core. but this year, i also have more resources, history, and ideas to try to make things better, and i have a deeper sense of the value of trying and doing anyway, even though nothing i do can ever be enough.
this year, some friends and loved ones, including my kids, will make choices and choose paths that fly their own hearts. and no matter whether i would choose those paths for myself or for them, i will have the sincere privilege of witnessing their paths, offering support as needed or requested, and being here for them, no matter how their flights turn out. and that honor outweighs my ambivalence or fears about their choices. it has to ~ whose journey *is* it, anyway?
this year, even though i'll have new pain and fears and work and grief, l'll get better at swimming to the other side of my personal hells and sad and disillusioned and hopeless feelings. and even though the tides of life are ever shifting, with new things and old, i know my oceans of tears well. and this year i'll have a longer history, and thus a deeper knowledge of swimming those tides, and more certainty that i can do that again and again as needed and come out the other side ok, and possibly even "better". and this year, i'll have more patience with myself when i need to just sit in despair for a while.
and reflecting on the flow my friend seems to have created by balancing on the edge of fear and hope with pragmatism and action, and reflecting on the flow of cooking, to help plan meals and some ease for her even though i am hugging and crying for her on the inside, this year, i have more awareness of what i can't change. but i also have more awareness of what i can change, and mostly it's the girl in my mirror that i can change. this year, i have more ability to choose with intention to feed the wolf that can DO something, with the history and knowledge that i can choose when to attend to the overwhelmed hurt wolf later. this year, i have more inner knowing that the hurt and overwhelmed wolf knows that i love her, and that i always come back to help her through the hard parts, and she'll be ok waiting. and this year, i have more knowledge about when she really can't wait, and this year, i have more awareness of the necessity to prioritize her first at those times.
this year, i have more calm about what i can't fix, which isn't the same as peaceful acceptance about the muck in life. it's just acceptance that life will be an intricate tapestry of dark and light paisley swirls, and while that isn't ok, it can still be beautiful, and it is still a privilege and honor to witness and support each others' stories ~ through the light and the dark times. and this year, it matters more that even though i can't change things enough, doing and trying anyway matters *so* much. this year, it feels more true that most of life that matters deepest happens in moments that look surprisingly ordinary, and that helpers really *are* always present in the muck, and that heroes are disguised in the plainest of clothes. and i want to be like them.
and this year, it is crystallizing that sometimes life is about balancing on the edge of the shit and the glory, the disillusionment and the awe, the light and dark, good and evil, smiles and tears, heart-breaking and beart-bursting moments, the yin and the yang. and other times, life is about jumping deeply into one side or the other, and mostly it's about living full-assed and passionately and vividly on either side or the edge ~ balancing with flow, and finding and making kindness and peace and grace in the ordinary moments.
this year, i'll make better flow on both sides and the edge. shooting for the stars, with more grace in my flights. because i cannot control that some bad things happen, even to good people. but i can choose when to balance on the edge with pragmatism and actions, and i can choose to create flow and behave with grace.
this year, i'll have more history and awareness that in all of life's bleakest moments, we still have the same magnificent skies above us, and the moon and stars shine brightest in the darkest dark. and while i won't seek or ask for more dark, this year, i'll have more inner knowing that the stars never leave me.
wishing everyone paths to making their dreams and flight plans come true.
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