new year sorting... sides and edges, balance and flow, and finding grace...?

so... i'm not feeling very new-year's-ish. a lady who is like a grandmother to our kids, and a dear friend to me is going to have a mastectomy this week ~ choosing that option directly, instead of trying chemo and/or radiation first. i visited her last week to exchange holiday gifts and i was struck by her calm pragmatism. she wanted to know what to expect and the nurse's office told her to expect pain, but it wouldn't be excruciating; that she wouldn't be able to lift her right arm or use it well for a while; as a result, it's going to be hard to wear clothing that goes over your head, so button-down tops, night gowns, or dresses will be easiest; that there will probably be a drainage tube, so loose clothing is best. 

and so my friend is planning and doing things in advance ~ writing checks to pay bills, finding clothes that might work for those parameters, figuring out how to have food if she's not going to have use of one arm and might not be up for cooking. and it's not as if she is not struck and scared about breast cancer and what might happen next. that part is there too, and there are tears ready to spill ~ i can see them in the corners of her eyes ~ tears pooling, yet not falling ~ she's on the edge, and pushing herself with calm purpose to focus on the pragmatic aspects and what she can DO. balancing on the edge of fear and action steps. and so i tried to honor her fear and her pooling tears with hugs, while also honoring her pragmatism with planning what i might do to help. 

and so... we had five teens here for new year's, and i was cooking for them last night, wishing i also had the honor of also  cooking for all our veterans. and making shrimp thermidore... thinking that making a double batch is almost the same as making a single batch, so making two baked shrimp casseroles, so i can freeze one for my friend. meanwhile... making chili and quadruple-batching that, so we'll have some for us, and some to share with my friend. and making a huge pan of baked eggnog-almond french toast for the teens this morning, and doubling that as well. and while the french toast is baking, learning that one of the teens doesn't like french toast, and one is vegan, so... asking my vegan daughter to make something else for them. and then realizing that the huge pile of broiled veggies i'm about to add to the chili would also work for making open face enchiladas for the two non-french toast teens, so making open face enchiladas and seeing that could also be casserole-ized so i'd have one for my friend.  one thing leads to another and another and another and there is a flow for making food for new year's, for breakfast, for lunch, in ways that also makes a selection to bring to my friend. and the flow is striking.

and realizing that for me, this new year's isn't about resolutions as i've sometimes (yet very rarely) done; nor is it about looking forward to a new year, where things will hopefully be easier and better. for me, this new year is about recognizing that mostly, things will remain the same ~ the song remains the same?  many aspects of life are still going to suck ~ we're still going to have wars that confuse me and sadden me; i'm still going to worry about our veterans and what we really "should" be doing, and i'm still going to feel sad and helpless because i can witness veteran story after story and still never know what the right choices are, and even if i could know that, no one is magically going to implement whatever i believe is "best". 

this year, people and animals that i love will still get sick or die and sometimes i will have expected it and sometimes it will surprise me. sometimes illness and death will come far too soon, for reasons that don't have to be; and sometimes it will happen at a time when it seems like a full long life has been lived, and yet, it will still feel unfair to not have a forever. and this year some people will take their own lives and the people who are left will need to figure out how to process that and how to heal from that situation and memory in their minds and their hearts. and since i am getting older, and since my pool of friends seems to grow bigger each year, illness and death will happen *more* often; not less. and this year, i'll have reasons to remember and re-live the pain of all of those experiences as new sad paths, new tears, new grieving also happens in this new year.

and this year, some friends and acquaintances will still have fights, pain, sadness, and fears; as always, some interactions will lead to people divorcing and some mutual friends may choose sides. and divorces or not, there will still be times where people identify or discover incompatibilities or different interests, goals, or dreams. this year, as always, differences will lead some people i care about to part ways from each other, and i will hurt for them, with them, from the sidelines. and this year, there might also be differences that lead me to part ways with some friends and loved ones, instead of continuing together through life, side by side, or hand in hand. and while parting is sometimes the right thing to do, it will still hurt. 

this year, some friends and loved ones, including my kids sometimes, will choose paths that make no sense to me ~ people might choose "q", when i can *so* clearly see that "j" is the better path ~ for me. and i'll need to do the internal work and possible mourning to adjust my own thoughts and feelings about that so their ("wrong"-to-me) choices don't become pain that i create for myself.  this year some adults and some kids will show me how cruel people can be, and i will see again why some people should never have become parents and why some kids really need better parents, and why we need more mental and psychological and other resources and help and supports. and those times in life will sometimes still disillusion me to my core and crush my soul. 

this year, we'll still have shooters and copy-cat shooters, and we'll still have parents, teachers, other people, schools, and other organizations that are mean, unkind, and/or ineffective in ways that matter to me. this year, politics will still frustrate and sadden me and i will still wonder and sometimes cry about the mess we seem to be making for our kids and their kids. this year, dictators and leaders, elsewhere and in our own country will still infringe on human and civil and legal rights, and i'll still send wishes and letters and i'll still phone and email my legislators, and mostly, i'll still feel helpless because none of that is ever enough. and yet, it still matters to do it. 

and this year, the hopelessness of any or all of those things that i cannot change will sometimes disillusion me to the point of being emotionally drained in a pit of my own personal hell. and this year and always, there will be times that i need to sit in that place for a while to gain strength, so i can eventually swim to the other side.

~~~~~

and as i'm seeing my friend on the edge of tears and pragmatism, witnessing her feeling fear and loss while also witnessing her sense of what she might gain ~ more years of life?  and seeing her husband's love of her shine so brightly. and more than the deep love, their best-friends-ness is so big that it felt like an actual tangible presence in the room. some things are more real than what we can see, hear, touch. their deep friendship is *that* kind of real. and seeing her balancing on the edge of fear and hope at the same time... i'm feeling like maybe *that* is the pearl in the middle of the fucked-uppery ~ perspective about losses and gains, and finding pragmatism, grace, and flow through the times where fear and hope might both exist. 

perspective-wise... in this year, wars and death will still happen, yet some wars may also end, and either way, some families will be reunited with joyous homecomings ~ still with recovery and healing to do, yet with loved ones to hug and hold hands along the way. this year, some politicians might sometimes put themselves on the line by doing the right thing about laws and land wars and wars against drugs, terrorism, violence... and this year, some veterans will also share what good is happening, and it doesn't change the bad, yet the good very definitely also matters. 

this year, some baby people and baby animals will also be born. that doesn't stop the illnesses and deaths, yet births must also count, and if i was tallying numbers of both, compared with my growing circle of friends and loves, i suspect that sad death-numbers would reflective a lower percentage than it feels. or so i hope. and either way, the births also matter. and this year, some people and animals will heal and recover from illness or near-death. and this year, new homes for children and animals may be found as needed, and new hearts will smile as new lives begin ~ with healing work to do, yet an ending to pain and horrific abuse. especially as i'm aging and the pool of people i know grows larger, it can feel like only the bad grows. and getting older with friends who also get older, the illness and deaths will increase. so remembering the births, the recoveries, the healings, the new homes, the new beginnings is necessary for me to retain perspective and avoid becoming stuck in feeling bitter, disillusioned, or hopeless.

this year, even if people part ways, i'll have the bittersweet opportunity to live up to my values that i want my loves to be happy, whether or not their paths to joy are paths we can walk together anymore. platonic and romantic, i love all my loves more than i want them, and i honor that by supporting their paths to joy, wherever those paths might lead them. and this year, some people will mend fights and differences, and some people will marry or handfast or find new and multiple best friends. in so many ways and directions, new people will choose paths of walking alongside me or others, side by side, or hand in hand ~ hearts smiling at each other and hugging. this year, some people will find new people and supports to help them work through pain and fears and grief. this year, there will be some new and different lights at the end of so many metaphorical tunnels.

this year, i also have more awareness of how first-world most of my problems are. not to minimize my first-world reality, but as perspective that inspires gratitude within the muck. when basic food and shelter aren't available, there isn't time or bandwidth for communication and relationship styles and love languages and other people's fights and divorces and choices to be sometimes painfully relevant. the fact that those things are relevant to me is a reflection of the luxury of time and life richness ~ i have adequate bare basic resources, so i can look beyond my own basic needs, to spill over into ponderings and action steps about details of my own life and of the lives of growing circles of friends ~ true wealth of time and friendships.

this year, there will still be murders and abuse, and politics that make me worry about our lives, our planet, our rights, and our kids' futures. and this year, i'll still see people, including kids and parents, being cruel to other people and animals. and yet this year, i have a deeper sense of what might work to plant seeds, model, educate, advocate, and share differently. this year, i'll still have hopeless and disillusioned feelings, and my soul will sometimes be crushed to its core. but this year, i also have more resources, history, and ideas to try to make things better, and i have a deeper sense of the value of trying and doing anyway, even though nothing i do can ever be enough. 

this year, some friends and loved ones, including my kids, will make choices and choose paths that fly their own hearts. and no matter whether i would choose those paths for myself or for them, i will have the sincere privilege of witnessing their paths, offering support as needed or requested, and being here for them, no matter how their flights turn out. and that honor outweighs my ambivalence or fears about their choices. it has to ~ whose journey *is* it, anyway?

this year, even though i'll have new pain and fears and work and grief, l'll get better at swimming to the other side of my personal hells and sad and disillusioned and hopeless feelings. and even though the tides of life are ever shifting, with new things and old, i know my oceans of tears well. and this year i'll have a longer history, and thus a deeper knowledge of swimming those tides, and more certainty that i can do that again and again as needed and come out the other side ok, and possibly even "better". and this year, i'll have more patience with myself when i need to just sit in despair for a while. 

and reflecting on the flow my friend seems to have created by balancing on the edge of fear and hope with pragmatism and action, and reflecting on the flow of cooking, to help plan meals and some ease for her even though i am hugging and crying for her on the inside, this year, i have more awareness of what i can't change. but i also have more awareness of what i can change, and mostly it's the girl in my mirror that i can change. this year, i have more ability to choose with intention to feed the wolf that can DO something, with the history and knowledge that i can choose when to attend to the overwhelmed hurt wolf later. this year, i have more inner knowing that the hurt and overwhelmed wolf knows that i love her, and that i always come back to help her through the hard parts, and she'll be ok waiting. and this year, i have more knowledge about when she really can't wait, and this year, i have more awareness of the necessity to prioritize her first at those times.  

this year, i have more calm about what i can't fix, which isn't the same as peaceful acceptance about the muck in life. it's just acceptance that life will be an intricate tapestry of dark and light paisley swirls, and while that isn't ok, it can still be beautiful, and it is still a privilege and honor to witness and support each others' stories ~ through the light and the dark times. and this year, it matters more that even though i can't change things enough, doing and trying anyway matters *so* much. this year, it feels more true that most of life that matters deepest happens in moments that look surprisingly ordinary, and that helpers really *are* always present in the muck, and that heroes are disguised in the plainest of clothes. and i want to be like them.

and this year, it is crystallizing that sometimes life is about balancing on the edge of the shit and the glory, the disillusionment and the awe, the light and dark, good and evil, smiles and tears, heart-breaking and beart-bursting moments, the yin and the yang. and other times, life is about jumping deeply into one side or the other, and mostly it's about living full-assed and passionately and vividly on either side or the edge ~ balancing with flow, and finding and making kindness and peace and grace in the ordinary moments. 

this year, i'll make better flow on both sides and the edge. shooting for the stars, with more grace in my flights. because i cannot control that some bad things happen, even to good people. but i can choose when to balance on the edge with pragmatism and actions, and i can choose to create flow and behave with grace.

this year, i'll have more history and awareness that in all of life's bleakest moments, we still have the same magnificent skies above us, and the moon and stars shine brightest in the darkest dark. and while i won't seek or ask for more dark, this year, i'll have more inner knowing that the stars never leave me.

wishing everyone paths to making their dreams and flight plans come true. 

 

because, magical skies!

because. sometimes i am in a well, and beauty might smile me out.

stockings!

i am *so* going to make this!

why menopause rocks

reason #23 why menopause rocks:  you don't need to choose one kind of feeling. they happen simultaneously. so you *always* have some good ones to pull out of your hat. or ass. depending.

my soul in cookies

balls!

so... coffee shop bustle + a raspberry lemonade + a vanilla scone + work i love + leonard cohen singing hallelujah in the background = intense happy. and... i have a thing for black turtlenecks on guys. so i was pondering telling the large black man in this coffee shop that he looks amazing in his black turtleneck. just as a compliment; not a flirt.

and actually, it's not the turtleneck or the look exclusively. he seems friendly, happy, comfortable in his own skin, and *nice*. and that just makes the turtleneck thing minor, yet extra. and he has an amazing smile. and i typed that to a friend who asked me if i told him yet.  besides the general lack of guts or balls that size, there's the added detail that the man is deep in conversation with two other people. which makes it even more challenging to say something to him. a friend suggested "call me on the phone, take it to him and say, 'it's for you.' i'll tell him that a matter of great importance has come to my attention and I'm required to compliment him on his turtleneck."

through my laughter, i had to admire the sheer awesomeness and originality of that plan. in spite of my hesitation, it made me think about the times people smile me, and how life is fleeting and all to often, we don't know what a difference we make to people, in big ways and in little ways. and here was this very large man, being comfortable and sparkling in his own skin, showing joy and smiles and lighting the room with his presence. and i wondered how crazy it is to let him know he smiled me. and i wondered how crazy it is to NOT let him know he smiled me.

and in a possibly fleeting moment of clarity, i decided that one of the zillion things i need to improve on is not letting my own fears get in the way of letting someone know that they smiled me. and so i typed to my friends that i was going to write a short note to let the man know that he smiled me. and then butterflies filled my tummy at the thought of doing that ~ the telling-people made it more real and more scary. and then one of my favorite songs came on the coffee shop radio ~ a song about making a difference to people, in little ways: http://vimeo.com/15772788

fate or destiny or coincidence... who knows? yet the butterflies multiplied as that song turned my possible plan into an almost-commitment to pay the smiles he brought to me forward. my hand was shaking a bit, so i had to draw on the concept and principle behind my plan ~ my lack of balls is not adequate reason to not let someone know they smiled me. so with my butterflies buttering and my hand feeling shaky, i wrote:

this is a compliment; not a flirt.
so... i have a thing for black turtlenecks on guys.
and so you smiled me.

and then i realized it's not exactly that. it's more that you seem friendly, happy, comfortable in your own skin, and *nice*. your presence lights the room. and that just makes the turtleneck thing minor, yet extra. and that realization smiled me more. thank you for sharing your sparkles.

and it's nervous-making to tell you this. but i don't want to let my fears get in my way of letting someone know that they smiled me.

so... you smiled me. thank you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
no name or contact info. i wanted to keep it clearly a compliment and not a flirt.

i folded the note into a small square and handed it to him as i was leaving and said he should read it later. he looked confused. and i left. the end. for all i know, he dropped the note, unread, into the trash on his way out.

and that doesn't matter. my new mantra ~ my lack of balls is not adequate reason to not let someone know they smiled me. i'm going to live that more.

wings instead of strings...

so... i saw a man sleeping in a field by the freeway as i was on my way to the grocery store. and he looked tattered and it was a chilly day and his clothing didn't look very warm. and it always crosses my mind that everyone is someone's child, and that some people are also someone's parent, sister, brother, friend... 


and now... life seems more vivid, real, intense, connected. and i believe strongly in personal responsibility, yet i cannot assume to know anyone else's stories and journeys. and in these  vivid menopause moments, it's being easier for me to assume the best and give the benefit of the doubt. and in this season of my life, i've lost patience, in a good way. i'm finding myself less willing to argue about responsibility or wait for what "should" be.


so there's this guy... sleeping in a field. and i don't know who he is. but he's somebody in his own right. and he's somebody to somebody. and "somebody" should do something about this.  and i am somebody. at least as much as the next person.


so i added a few things to the grocery list. and the situation made me realize the lack of cards for this type of situation... no cards seem to say "i don't know who you are. i don't know your journey. but i know that you are important. and i wish you silver linings and rainbows tucked into your clouds. and i wish you paths to make your dreams come true."  so i also bought some blank cards and wrote that message myself this time, with other blank cards ready for future situations that might come up.


and after leaving the store i discovered that the freeway field had a fence that i'd need to climb over or walk around. and it was cold but the sun was out, and i could use the exercise anyway. so....around the fence and over the hill i dropped off a bag beside his blanket as he slept ~ a roasted chicken, tangerines, bottled water, with forks, paper plates, a cloth napkin, flowers, and a card.


i hope he's not vegan. but at least there are tangerines, right?


and this losing patience menopause thing...? things will never be as they "should" be, and somehow in a strange way, that might be an aspect of the universe unfolding as it should. 


and it feels empowering to feel urgency not to wait for what "should" be. as a someone, i'm going to make things be as they should be, as i can. carrying community in my heart. being my own non profit without grants. and also without strings.


wings instead of strings.

no patience! can't wait!

so... the kids who live with me probably think i'm crazy. i keep feeling so happy and wanting to share it with them... so i tell them... "you know... i'm in menopause, right? and it is *so* amazing!  and it's being awesome. and i know there will also be some bumps, but the awesome is sooo, well.... awesome." and i try to explain the new clarity and vivid-ness. they look at me funny, but that's nothing new.

and i have no patience. i can't wait!  but in a good way. in past situations where something was unfair, unkind, wrong, painful... my mind (and often my words and efforts) went to how someone should DO something about the situation. a company, a business owner, a non-profit, the teachers, the schools, the legislators, the government, or....? *someone* should act and fix things, dammit!

yet something has shifted in me... i feel an urgency about the lack of time. and that sounds ironic, doesn't it?  and it's not an urgency about mortality. it's a time and priority urgency ~ i have no patience, and no time to argue about who "should" do x,y, or z. i can't make anyone do what i wish they would do and my time feels too important to bother. i can't sweat the small stuff, and it feels like my perspective has shifted in a *tangible* way to sort more aspects of life into the "small stuff" category ~ not worth sweating over. and that makes no logical sense, and yet a tangible shift or awakening of a new sense feels real and true. and i don't have time to decide if it is, and it's not relevant whether i have a new sense or not anyway.

 

if something needs to be done, it feels like a just-do-it moment. and the only person i can truly influence is that girl in the mirror ~ me.

i will still be involved in community-ness of my choosing, and i will still write letters, vote for or against legislation, use my feet to "vote" about which companies and stores i will patronize, and i will still donate time and/or money to organizations that do things i believe in. yet for the times that *someone* should do something, for the moment, i have no patience to look outside and argue anymore. here and now, i have me. and nothing i do can ever make enough of a difference, yet everything i do and every choice i make matters in some way. so when *someone* needs to do something, here i am.

and even that feels different. in the past, it would be sooo hard for me not to project that new feeling as an expectation that other people should also decide that "someone" is them. each of us.

now, it just feels like i found a doorway to a path that was *always* there; a doorway that opens to a world view where everything is beautiful, and everything *does* matter, and yet almost everything is small.

and it's freeing to feel and see things that way. and it's empowering to decide that the *someone* to fix things can mostly be me. and it's happy to also feel that i don't "need" anyone else to be in this place with me.

and there's a background awareness that i'm likely to wander on and off this path myself, through the tides of my life.  and that awareness brings understanding that it's likely to be similar for other people too ~ they'll find that doorway and path or not, and even after they find it, they'll wander on and off the path through tides of their lives. i can wish they can see this and feel this here and now *with* me, without "needing" them to do so. for now, i'm loving the path  from this doorway. and i'm ok here, even if i'm alone. it is enough. i am enough.  peace is.

the simplest questions aren't

Seasons of our lives...

so... i love helping people to write resumés. so today, on a whim, i made an offer to the teenagers in my life...

"to the teenagers in my life... if you need a resumé, i'm happy to help. for free. resumé-writing is a passion of mine. i *love* figuring out who you are, what you love, how that shows up in your life, how those things translate to marketable-for-money skills, and how to share that with potential employers. past job experience or not, we can resumé you outside the box. (if you want inside the box, i'm not your girl)."  and i shared some questions that might spark ideas for their resumés.

and then i realized that in this season of life, i'm asking myself similar questions ~ not in relation to just work, but in the context of life, which also includes work. and i'm noticing that some of my answers are different for me now than in the past. and although i expect my self and my life to shift and change and grow, i hadn't noticed *how* different some of my answers are  now. one little shift, here and there, now and then may not seem like much. yet a few years of pondering a LOT, but not necessarily about *those* questions has me feeling a little surprised at how much some of my answers have changed.

so on paper or in my head, i think i'll ponder with the people who take me up on my offer... on my own, going through the steps i'm suggesting for them. the answers matter to me, and not just for resumés. i'm curious to find out where my choices and journey so far have taken me. and curious to see how my current answers will shape my plans, paths, and flight into this new season of my life.

and life is busy, and people need us, and there's never enough time. and that's not reason enough for me to not ask myself those questions again, in this new season of life. to see how my answers have changed. to glimpse and shape the new me that is blooming.

choosing paths, journeys, flights?

so i'm sharing the resumé preparation questions below, in case they might enable anyone here to see your self and/or the new blooms of the women you love as they reconsider life paths and fly into this season of their lives.

NOT exclusively in the context of work, but in the context of LIFE, which might include work:

• identify and list things you love to do and WHY. go deep.

i.e. if you love computer programming, that's not deep enough for what i'm looking for. WHY do you love it? is it truly about enjoying anything to do with a computer? is it about the challenge of solving a puzzle? is it about loving the opportunity to blend math and computer knowledge? is it about the problem solving to hear what someone wants their computer to do, and the challenge and fun of making that happen? is it an area that validates your wish or need to feel smart?

  

if you love fishing, WHY? is it about the chance to be outdoors? is it the challenge? is it a sense of pride that you have the patience and skills to make the catch? is it that you LOVE fresh fish? is it about the opportunity to blend your knowledge of fish, water, the outdoors, ecology, and mountain man/woman traits? is it about the satisfaction of being able to be somewhat self-sufficient? is it about the head-space and mind-space that you go to when you're outdoors fishing? is it about solitude? or about comaraderie with fishing friends? WHAT is it?

  

in the context of work/volunteering:

• identify jobs and volunteering that you loved. and do the why.
• identify jobs and volunteering that you disliked. identify why.  

NOT exclusively in the context of work, but in the context of LIFE, which might include work:

• identify things about yourself that you really like (things you do AND personal qualities)
• identify things you've done that you are proud of

do not even TRY to second-guess yourself for any of the questions, or figure that anything isn't applicable or "good enough". EVERYTHING you like and EVERYTHING you are proud of IS applicable! you are not allowed to rule out ANYthing that comes to mind.

  

as an extreme ridiculous example, i love to poop. that would be on my list, no matter the fact that i have no intention of pooping for a job. (as if there's a job for that anyway.) i value reasonableness and am proud that i try to live it. i don't get to argue myself out of listing it because i might not be reasonable often or consistently "enough". it's stream of consciousness... whatever comes to mind, with no advance deletions allowed.

then... if you were to die tomorrow, and if there was a celebration of your life, what would you hope your friends would say about you?  what would you hope your immediate family would say about you? what would you hope your relatives would say about you? and if you have had any, what would you hope your co-workers and volunteer peers would say about you?

it wouldn't hurt to also google some lists of core values and identify 5-10 core values that resonate most for you.

and if you've gone that far... who IS this person? how is she the same as you in the past? how is she different? what will she dream, and how will you help her dreams to come true? how will you get to know her better, and hug-embrace-welcome-honor her into this new season of your life...?


The simplest questions are the most profound. Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What are you doing? Think about these once in a while and watch your answers change. ~ richard bach

who AM i?!

so... i'm feeling a strong desire to calendar-ize all my clients' birthdays so i can happy-birthday them. *me*. me who forgets everyone's birthdays and doesn't much care about that. who *is* this alien person in my body?! 

this is going to be quite the adventure!

insomnia

i could do without the insomnia though. silver lining: i have three hours of tomorrow's work done as of this moment. head start, woot!

sometimes it's all about perspective...?

boobs?!

and who knew that boobs grew again?! 

(just a little, but i thought i was done, and this happens *after* i found fine-ness about being small, and liking things that way? strange and ironic life-ness.)

hot flashes and ponders!

and i LOVE being warm! hot flashes rock ~ instant sauna awesome sensations without having to go anywhere and pay for a sauna!

and i love that ponders are going to new places and deeper peace. mostly.

(but i expect that to be an up and down and sideways and diagonal thing. and circles! don't forget circles!)

what i *wish* wikipedia and other sources said about menopause:

contrary to popular belief, for many women, menopause is a time where, their libido isn't affected negatively and may actually increase. 

overall, there's often a deeper sense of self. they are more likely to have or to make the luxury of more time to themselves, since kids are often out of the house, or being more self sufficient. there's a natural flow to turn inward and think about life, reassess who they are, and set new life and personal goals. with the benefit of time behind them, they have a broader perspective about previous goals and this season of life often brings an internal desire to reassess whether those goals fed their souls, or provided necessary food and shelter for their families, or both. at this point in their lives, when they are "needed" less in many ways, they often reconsider whether the paths they cleared are paths they still want to travel, or if it may be time to clear new paths in different directions.

whether some paths were previously not chosen due to other paths being necessary, lack of time, or lack of awareness that other options existed, and/or lack of confidence to travel paths that strayed from the norm, this season of life often brings a renewed sense of self and confidence and *self* permission to choose paths that indulge more of their curiosity, self acceptance, daring, exploration, fun, and adventure. they have the benefit of time and a history of life experiences behind them; with age there may be fewer external pressures to impress, conform, and put others first, and those factors may create more comfort and willingness to choose paths less travelled in many aspects of life, including their bedrooms and sexuality.

this may be a time where women can think about what they know about themselves, the people they love, and life in general, and what they *don't* know. they're well past the years where sex and fellatio was new and terrifying (how *do* you do that?! what's the "right" way? should i swallow? will it taste nasty? why would anyone *want* to do this? i must look ridiculous?! is there a trick to this? will he think i'm a slut if i do this? will he think i'm a prude if i don't?).

they may have been pregnant, and had doctors poking and peeking into places they never wanted poked or peeked. and perhaps they had babies with poop, pee, barf, and projectile vomiting. and more poking and peeking and sleepless nites than they can count. they may have experienced sheer panic when a child went missing for a moment (playing or not); they may have had their heart stop when their child got hurt ~ physically or emotionally; they may have grown a willingness to die for a life that isn't their own, and sometimes those experiences gift them with a life and freedom beyond what they thought possible. they probably experienced illness and death of loved ones, and the shadows those losses leave in your soul, even while the night skies birthed some new star-souls. 

gradually, parenting and life and death experiences may have brought a perspective that the things that terrified them in the past are minor details in the now. with that shift, aspects of sex and life that previously may have felt terrifying and vulnerable might now seem like no-big-deal. 

they might feel a sense of freedom at having lived a life, "well" or not, and seeing that some bad things happened (by them and to them) and the world didn't end. there's experience to back up the cliché that things really CAN get better. and there's often less fear about what might happen if something goes wrong. they've been wrong before, as we all have; probably a lot. and the world didn't stop spinning and life, including joy, still happened before, during, and after the bad times and the wrong times.

sexually, they might masturbate for the first time ever and realize that sex with themselves is not the taboo it had been made out to be and they might want to get to know that lover. they might choose different sexual paths with others, whether it's bisexuality or sex that isn't missionary. they might decide to receive or give oral sex or swallow if they hadn't before. there may be a sense of truth and belief that there are so many things more terrifying than a penis; and so many questions more vulnerable than whether or not they swallow; and so many more important things than concern about whether someone will consider them to be a slut or a prude or a combination, or neither, or something else entirely. 

and with those years and experiences and more time in this season of life to ponder and re-assess things, confidence, esteem, self, and centered-ness grow. and freedom takes wings and flies them.  

and oh yea.... for some women, the journey may include some physical changes and discomforts, but drug stores sell lubricants, and hot tubs do wonders for backaches and while some women find it harder to have an orgasm, there's more time to practice and possibly less awkwardness and shame at this stage of life; and meanwhile, other women may find this time in life to be the first time they have an orgasm, or multiple orgasms. who knew?!

and sometimes, what we think we should expect is what we expect and experience. so be careful what we let ourselves expect. 

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me...? i'm expecting my wings to grow even bigger.

what we expect ~ does that become real?

responding to input and a wikipedia link about libido crashes, lack of vaginal lubrication, increase in the frequency of painful intercourse and problems achieving orgasm...

... clearly much practice is needed, right?

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in our culture, i suspect that as real as those things *are* for some people, i wouldn't be surprised if part of the issue is focusing on those things as our expectations, and then they become our reality. not to suggest that those things can't or don't happen to some people some of the time, yet it's sad to me that we seem to *expect* some things in life to suck. to a large extent, with our thoughts, we make our world.

not that life or menopause is all about sex, but looking at that aspect a little... isn't there also the cliché that some women become MORE interested in sex as they age? thus, the older women/younger guy situations that comes up here and there. as true as the negative aspects can be for some people, wouldn't it be cool if our reference materials listed those things more as a sometimes thing WITH positive aspects as the focus?

a good part ~ free birth control!

and whoa! for anyone hesitant about menopause... a friend just shared this awesome-ness: "and just think, if you didn't have it covered already, you'll get free birth control at no added charge!" 

so... rocking menopause even more now. cause that's how i fly! 

(still... backup contraception might be a good plan!)